Cry

I cried last night.

I cried for what I'm not.

Do you ever cry for what you're not? Is that a properly constructed question? By what you're not, I'm referring to the characteristics that you don't have. The things you see in other people that you think ought to be in you, but aren't. The things you KNOW ought to be in you and aren't. The things you want. The things you need. The things you think you need.

And now, I'm stuck. My mind is stuck thinking about this and determining what the ethics are in the whole matter. Inherently, I think that it's selfish to cry for what you're not. It's a waste of time to dwell on the things that drag you down. Why not focus on your strengths and maximize them? Yet a big part of me seems to justify crying for what I'm not because it makes me realize that some of those things that I'm not need to be things that I'm becoming. They need to be things I'm working on, things I'm running towards, things I'm investing in. That is, if those "things" are life-giving. If they drain me of my energy, say, like being a people pleaser, then I don't need to become that... I need to run from it. Yet things like discipline and relationships and intellectual thought are things that I'm looking for more of. If I don't take the time to grieve the fact that I don't have them, how will I ever believe that I need them?

The third side of me, if I can divide myself that way, says that crying over this is just dramatic. I'm not going to claim that I'm never dramatic; that's a lie. And I will offer the disclaimer that the tears stemmed from a long, tough conversation with someone that I love. (disclaimer 2: not romantic love). Yet is it ok to cry for something your not? Will it build resentment inside of you, or will it spur within you a willingness to risk the cost of achieving what it is you want to achieve, all in the name of becoming the person you want to be?