Expectations

I'm often disappointed by them.

Creeping up on you like an annoying little brother, expectations are a nag, often make you want to curse, and frequently leave you as frustrated as your brother's prank of putting gum in your hair.

Until now, I've never really looked at my expecations - of myself or others - as dangerous. There was nothing lofty about them, nothing important or worthy of dwelling upon. Yet as I was reminded tonight, having certain expectations can be dangerous, and even disappointing, at times.

I'm sure that you who have ever in your life carried on a conversation with a member of the opposite gender, have been disappointed. (This is not to imply that every cross-gender conversation has/will disappoint, but just a generalization stating a truth between genders: disappointment is ineviatable). You have given trust and had it thrown back at you, given love only to have it abused, and relinquished time only to have it stolen. The same can be said for expectations of and from parents, mentors, managers, friends, and the like. No one will ever live completely up to another's standards of him or herself.

Yet even with all of this on the table, I would have to admit that it's the expectations that I bring upon my OWN shoulders that are the most dangerous. I religiously carry the burden of perfectionism, weighing myself down with the need to impress in every area of my life. I am wearied by the pressure to perform, then only elevate the pressure by insisting that it happen right the first way I try. It is the expecations that I give to myself that end up being the noose around my neck, keeping me from living an overcoming life.

Tonight I realized, with a bit of suggestion from an old friend, that not every expectation that I have for myself is necessarily wrong or inappropriate, but that when I set expectations for myself, that I must think about what I, others, and God expects from the situation... but not in that order. I must be bold enough to think and act realistically, even though sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow.

I realize that I need to be balanced and healthy when I make choices, set goals, and thus develop vision. The vision that I have for myself, my career, my spiritual discpline will never become reality if I consistently set unrealistic expectations for myself. I then dig myself into a hole because I am walking the endless line of perfectionism and judging myself for it. I am then worthless to myself in anything I attempt. And the circle continues...

Yet I find hope in the fact that God expects me to lean on Him; there is never an expectation that I must stand on my own. In some lyrical wise words from my favorite band, truth shines through: "I was not made walk alone... it sharpens me to know we stand as one..."