Tattered

It wasn't the style of her shoes or size of her ring, or even the sincerity of her worship. It was when I sat down next to her that I saw what caught my attention.

It was her Bible.

Not only did the pages have creases and dog ears, but they long ago lost the crisp, gold shine their edges once held. The black leather covering was now worn down to it's pale grey backside, barely covering the front of this holy book which had obviously been worn from minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years of relentless page-turning. After seeing it, I could only think one thing:

I want to know God like that.

Hungering after God as if a starving child, I want to turn the pages He's written with relentless abandon, relishing every promise inside. I want to take His word as truth and walk in it. I want to stand upon the Word of Grace, that it may be my freedom from condemnation.

I want to desire God like I desire love.

Feeling like I need it, wanting to be engulfed by it, I chase the idea of love as if it were the storybook ending written for my life. I want to desire God like I desire that storyline - that my worth would be found in my Maker as opposed to my admirer; that my strength would be to walk in His Word, that it may be written on my heart.

I want to give my life instead of owning it myself.

Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

Cry

I cried last night.

I cried for what I'm not.

Do you ever cry for what you're not? Is that a properly constructed question? By what you're not, I'm referring to the characteristics that you don't have. The things you see in other people that you think ought to be in you, but aren't. The things you KNOW ought to be in you and aren't. The things you want. The things you need. The things you think you need.

And now, I'm stuck. My mind is stuck thinking about this and determining what the ethics are in the whole matter. Inherently, I think that it's selfish to cry for what you're not. It's a waste of time to dwell on the things that drag you down. Why not focus on your strengths and maximize them? Yet a big part of me seems to justify crying for what I'm not because it makes me realize that some of those things that I'm not need to be things that I'm becoming. They need to be things I'm working on, things I'm running towards, things I'm investing in. That is, if those "things" are life-giving. If they drain me of my energy, say, like being a people pleaser, then I don't need to become that... I need to run from it. Yet things like discipline and relationships and intellectual thought are things that I'm looking for more of. If I don't take the time to grieve the fact that I don't have them, how will I ever believe that I need them?

The third side of me, if I can divide myself that way, says that crying over this is just dramatic. I'm not going to claim that I'm never dramatic; that's a lie. And I will offer the disclaimer that the tears stemmed from a long, tough conversation with someone that I love. (disclaimer 2: not romantic love). Yet is it ok to cry for something your not? Will it build resentment inside of you, or will it spur within you a willingness to risk the cost of achieving what it is you want to achieve, all in the name of becoming the person you want to be?

Diet Coke

Today was a day of 4 Diet Cokes and one Diet Rite (tangerine).

That's the only disclaimer that I offer.

Oh, and yes, that does call for a two-word blog title.

Conclusion

Conclusion of the week:

North Point Community Church should remove their ridiculously good looking men from their worship teams.

They are distracting. Worship is already quite a show, but when you've got two screens the size of Texas on that stage and a handsome face looking at you from both sides, it's not exactly easy to focus on worship. In fact, it's just outright distracting.

Now please don't misunderstand my point -- I do not think that the 722 lead guitarist has anything wrong with him. I mean, personally, he's probably the dream of every female over the age of 12 that walks into that auditorium. And he's talented. And if you didn't get that part about being ridiculously good looking from the second line up top, I'll say it again: he's just gorgeous. AND he seems sincere! I really think that he has a passion for worshipping God! And now is the point where I roll my eyes and shake my head at the modern Christian church. Did NPCC just stumble upon him and discover everything they'd ever need in a worship leader? I hope so, and I sincerely hope that the staff members who chose him were MEN. Otherwise we've got a sticky situation on our hands. Well, needless to say, I think we already do -- we've got worship leaders distracting congregations with their distracting good looks.

And I thought the Assemblies of God had issues...

:)