you
You.
Why do you plague me so? Crawling through my mind; clinging to my heart. Why do you insist on inhabiting the one place I wish you wouldn't? Just when I thought I had gotten past the thoughts that cause me so much pain, why do they consistently return, always accompanied by thoughts of you?
Is it because I want them to? Do I bring this on myself?
Why, when I think about leaving, do I convince myself to stay? Am I really living well, or am I afraid to leave you? And why am I afraid? Why, when I think about my future, can I think of seeing you in it? Why am I afraid if you're not? Why, sometimes, do I not want to travel because you're not with me? Why do you have to haunt my love of airports and orange juice with Sprite?
Why do you have to tell me that I look so nice, even now? Why do I want you to? And why, by the way, does that have to hurt so much? I must confess that I still think of you as I choose what to wear and how to smell and where to park my car. Are you part of my identity? Why do you have to go get really sexy glasses, so all I want to do is look at you? Why do you call me Kimmie, as only so very few can? You might as well call me "love". Why can't I forget the way that you kiss? Why would I be upset if you moved away?
Why did this relationship have to be the exception to every rule? Why couldn't you parade me on your arm? Why didn't I demand that you did? Why should it have been a demand? Why is my lipstick still on your side view mirror? I'm guilty of wanting it to stay. Why do I think that my heart will be crushed if you ever wipe it away?
Why couldn't you have straightened things out when push came to shove? Why did it take a break up? Could this ever be healthy again? Is that even a question worth asking? And how will I know? And how do I let go if I still want to cling to that hope? Am I dragging myself down? How will I know if I've truly let it go? Why do I have to be so nurturing? Why do you haunt my dreams?
Why did I give you my whole heart?
(And why in my mind, after all of this pain, am I still convinced that this is the only way to love?)
1 Comments:
Kimmy,
It's hard. Those are real heart questions that you need to bring before the Lord and before His word. He is showing you your heart. Ask Him what He wants it to look like.
Commit your ways fully unto the Lord. Trust in the Lord for Him to restore or shred the relationship. Seek Him where He may be found and the Light of His glory will mysteriously illuminate your path. Cry out to Jesus - Third Day says.
Let the Lord ravish your soul, your thoughts, your existence that nothing would compare to that - no lost love. Confess where you have not trusted Him and where you are relying on your own ability to attract love, praise, admiration and security of the future. For God who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. He is brining you into the Light before His throne. Thank the Lord (literally) that there is no condemnation, but only endless grace and forgiveness; robes of righteousness we wear.
Hide in His tabernacle when you are overwhelmed by the complexities of your mind and your heart. You need the person who knows you best. You need your creator.
Peace to you, my friend,
Kristie K
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